Sunday, June 30, 2013


Blood Feast

Two Thousand Maniacs!

Color Me Blood Red

What do these movies all have in common? Other than the fact that they have not been served in 5,000 years, they are all a part of Herschell Gordon Lewis' Blood trilogy - a trilogy of shlock horror low budget gore pictures that keep the blood running down the screen. They are tasteless, laughably bad and extremely entertaining.
Such a large serving of shlock horror is kind of an art forgotten in movie-making (none of the current homages or parodies truly have the inadvertent charm these classics have), but I think, after attending a triple screening a friend put together, I have gotten it down... It all comes down to a recipe... a cooking formula.

My copy of Ancient Weird Religious Rites happened to have been a significant help in me trying to narrow the secret recipe down... Eat your heart out, Lewis.


  • 2/3 serving of a Playboy Playmate that can't act for shit (leaves an aftertaste of gripe to the chef for many many years after)
  • One fine Foghorn Leghorn impersonation while marinating in discount Boss Hogg clothing.
  • 1 serving of underappreciated artist and his hot girlfriend - Easily the only good acting in the whole trilogy
  • Speaking of which, 8 cups of hot girls... A lot of these girls are lookers... Can't be attracted to something stupid, though. Sorry, Connie Mason.
  • A clothing store mannequin... you must worship the mannequin, though. And by worship we mean spread shiny paint all over it.
  • A boulder. Believe me, it adds to flavor. Drop it from a platform you have no way of getting it up on though.
Make damn sure you can't throw a baseball to save your life.
  • A bunch of cheap weapons that nobody looks at without calling Chris Hansen.
  • 12 tablespoons of actually decent country jams, primarily on banjo.
  • You need Florida. You need Florida forever.
  • 3 canvas... 'cause this meal is gonna be a work of art, muthafucka!
I am so proud I was able to find a relevant picture to the last one...
  • All the blood and gore you have. Not some of it. ALL the blood and gore.
  1. Ask what the hell are you doing with your life.
  2. Cut open the canvas... blood will most certainly spill if you do it right...
  3. Smash all the ingredients together.
  4. Say the lines of one of the scenes in this trilogy to the concoction. Don't act. Just say the lines.
  5. Smash your face in the concoction for good measure.
  6. Stick it in the oven and watch the Blood trilogy.
  7. Forget about the oven while your home burns down.

With the meal prepped, invite everyone! Inept police officers, stereotyped southerners, non-stereotyped southerners who don't give a shit what they are doing, dumb blondes, dumb handsome men, painters who suck unless they go crazy, paint aficianados and the whole family.

Fuad's not invited, though. Fuck Fuad.

Fuad, put the knife down. You kill my groove.
Bon appetit!!!

P.S. For those expecting a legitimate review of these movies, what do you expect? They are shlock! They defy critical convention based on logic or bourgeois taste. If you're into those movies like I am, and the man who showed me those movies certainly is, watch them! You won't be disappointed.


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