Finally, almost at the end of this series of posts.... Two more to go after this... And with only a little over a month to go before my 21st Birthday and this 20 Years thing is nullified.
So, I can't go into my Hall of Fame without going into my Hall of Shame. I don't have the time to really bother honoring these with much of an introduction or even photos or videos, so I'll just get this done. I'm just gonna breeze through it and call it a night. I don't want to encourage watching these at all.
So forgive me if this all comes off as unillustrated rants, but that's the idea... No effort or respect for these films...
20. Who's Your Caddy (Paul, 2007) - I'm not going to lie, there was a time when I legitimately thought that IMDb's voters were racist. Nearly every major Afro-American film was on the bottom 100, with the obvious exception of Boys 'N the Hood and Dead Presidents. I mean, Crossover and In The Mix is understandable, but ATL and Hustle & Flow were actually decent.
Who's Your Caddy was not. It was a who's who of modern hip hop and black comedy and that's it. There's was nothing funny about it. It was like a bad episode of Family Guy gone wrong, which already goes wrong by its existence.
19. House of the Dead (Boll, 2003) - Uwe Boll gets a lot of deserved hate... now. Back in the day, he got undeserved hate. Not that his movies didn't suck then, but he got death threats and Nazi calls because of them. Good to see that people have chilled out by then.
When I watch The Walking Dead and keep thinking 'Wow, this is a horrible show', I comfort myself with the idea that that show is not the lowest zombies can go. Instead, there's this.
18. Gigli (Brest, 2003) - Benifer.
17. The Amazing Spider-Man (Webb, 2012) - I suppose you can tell by my review of that movie that I fucking hated it.
16. Jaws: The Revenge (Sargent, 1987) - I actually adored this movie when I was young. My brother loved Jaws (and marine biology) in general as a kid hard enough to just eat up any shark movie. Then we grew up and realized that this movie was just really hard to stomach when you develop brain cells. Like absolutely nothing in the movie makes sense.
Nothing makes sense. And nothing is believable.
15. Baby Geniuses (Clark, 1999) - One of the worst crimes a movie should ever commit is not being funny once when it's a comedy. Baby Geniuses does that. Terribly. It's only selling point is a gimmick and a bad one at that.
14. Mac and Me (Raffill, 1988) - When I was little, I mistaked this movie for E.T. Now I see it's just Coca-Cola and McDonald's the Movie: Starring the E.T. Knock-Off.
13. Catwoman (Pitof, 2004) - Everybody involved in the movie looked like they were having a bad time. We can see why they felt that way in the payoff. Did the director really use one name in his credit? Was he spending more time thinking of his pseudonym than character or story or pacing or shit like that?
12. Thunderpants (Hewitt, 2002) - I saw this in Algeria on a day when it was too hot to play soccer outside. After a while, I decided I would rather just watch ice cream melt on the street. But there is no ice cream to keep me occupied. I had to watch a movie about a kind who sang, murders (literally), is pardoned, goes to space, gets picked on and all that boogie jazz - in the name of his farts. "It was the worst day of my life... ever." We know.
11. Movie 43 (A bunch of directors who should be ashamed of themselves, 2013) - If you have to ask me why I saw it, I can never explain...
10. Sucker Punch (Snyder, 2011) - There's this thing about the Chappelle Show that led to its cancellation. Dave Chappelle kept making his skits, sacrificing his beloved stand-up time, because he thought the audience could see the message he was trying to make. Instead, the audience only had the joke played on them and continued quoting things that shouldn't have been quoted.
Sucker Punch is a reversal on this. It was misogynistic fan service without any relevant purpose behind its story and it wasn't doing it to be ironic, despite everybody trying to justify it and reading too much into the movie to let be saved. It was doing it because Zack Snyder likes to perform fan service.
9. Epic Movie (Friedberg/Seltzer, 2007) - This is that movie that started all this horrific parody films craze that everyone ate up too soon. This was the movie that started the darker side of that era.
8. The Adventures of Pluto Nash (Underwood, 2002) - This is completely the lowest Eddie Murphy can ever go. After seeing this movie, I don't hate Norbit or even Beverly Hills Cop III because I completely see better things in them and at least entertaining things, moreso than this muddled gangster plot with Randy Quaid.
7. Glitter (Hall, 2001) - I will not stand for musicians to be shoehorned into their own starring feature when they are not good actors. I will not stand for it. Mariah Carey is one of my favorite singers, but holy shit was this painful.
6. From Justin to Kelly (Iscove, 2003) - See Glitter above. I'm really glad I have never seen Justin Guarini face again after this. I'm going to do some wishful thinking and assume the mafia murdered him.
5. InAPPropriate Comedy (Offer, 2013) - I saw it for free and I got less than my money's worth. It baffles me when a movie takes an effort to be like a Friedberg/Seltzer comedy, it really does. I think if I say anymore, I will get beaten by the director like he beat that hooker.
4. Daniel - The Wizard (Lommel, 2004) - It's kind of a top pick on IMDb's Bottom 100, shouldn't that be straightforward? Also, see Glitter. Also, this movie should count as a Nazi war crime.
3. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (Leonetti, 1997) - I'm not a fan of Legacy/Rebirth neither. The one true Mortal Kombat film was the original. But at least Legacy/Rebirth, in spite of all its Christopher Nolan-grit attempt to be relevant, actually tells engaging stories without extraneous plot devices, random continuity errors and makes the Outworld factor seem too silly than it ought to be treated.
Outworld is Hell. MAKE IT HELL!!! GOOD HELL!!!
2. Birdemic: Shock and Terror (Nguyen, 2010) - James Nguyen hates people. I'm sure of it. That's why he kept plugging in Yoko Ono's website and intends to make a sequel to Birdemic. Just think of everything that goes wrong with a bad film and think about it being done on purpose as an affront to you.
Fuck you, Nguyen!
1. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (Bay, 2009) - I have a very bad history with this movie. And it's a huge piece of shit. But mainly, I have a bad experience with this movie that got it higher on this list than Birdemic. BIRDEMIC: PEACE AND RECYCLING!!!
Now, as a postscript, I had posted this list a month ago on my facebook profile as my 20 favorite movies as an April Fool's Joke. For the people who knew what was up, they understood that I only list movies I have seen, but mentioned that these movies would probably be on this list if I had ever seen them (luckily, I never intended to):
Dragonball Evolution (Wong, 2009)
The Last Airbender (Shyamalan, 2010)
Doctor Who (Sax, 1996)
Super Mario Bros. (Morton/Jankel, 1993) - This is actually a certified turd I do intend to brave, just because I think it's necessary to know what it is when Dennis Hopper plays a Koopa.