Saturday, May 4, 2013

An Open Letter to Marvel Studios (and a Laugh for anybody else (and a Laugh for Marvel Studios))

The following is an extensive status I posted shortly after seeing Iron Man 3 at midnight opening day - with some edits so you can take my points less seriously), both satirical and fueled by a lack of sleep for many a day. Please stop judging me.

Okay, Marvel Studios, hear me out because this is a game plan that works for everyone and will single-handedly ensure that DC Comics can never ever ever expect to make another comic book film again (Not even one of the nu-DCAU movies or a sequel to Man of Steel) without getting crushed.

You've essentially killed the story of Tony Stark with Iron Man 3. You Dark Knight Rised that character. There is nowhere left for him to go. And Robert Downey Jr. is is on the balance for his contractual decision to extend or expire.
And Robbie is to Tony Stark as Wesley Snipes is to Blade, Patrick Stewart is to Charles Xavier or J.K. Simmons is to J. Jonah Jameson. There is no substitute. If Robbie goes, Tony goes.

So... here's what you do:
You do what every Nolan vampire (not the fanboys, though - they're a little more intelligent) has been crying to be done and you JGL Don Cheadle. Make Rhodey the new Iron Man - Not War Machine... Not Iron Patriot... Iron Man. You do it before a crappy Nightwing movie can be made by DC without bringing the first Robin back onto the scene (No, John Blake does not count!).

It's a risky deal, I know. It's like lighting a stick of dynamite with a short fuse to stop your baddies. But it's gonna work in favor of those involved, really...
Who wins?
Well, to begin with, RDJ finally gets the rest he's wanted and deserved since the Avengers. He can move on to more roles that have substance, like Chaplin, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Short Cuts, Natural Born Killers, the kind of hasn't been able to get since being Iron Man.

And RDJ might not ever need to wear make-up and be the only good thing in an average movie to expect an Oscar nod ever again.

Marvel will win by making DC look like a cheap Marvel knock-off and stealing all the thunder before Christopher Nolan can act a well-meaning idiot and make the films Grit Central - Easily the best thing to happen to the Batman franchise, but really the worst thing to happen to superhero movies in general - while Joss Whedon remains King of Nerds (with J.J. Abrams as his Queen).

"Wait, Salim," you tell me, "you can't be serious in thinking this movie would be even a D on the scale."
You're right. It's going to suck... It might even be the worst superhero movie made since Ghost Rider. And do you think the moviegoing audience will care?
You will lose an amount of the audience based on the idea that Tony Stark is Iron Man and you will certainly ensure that Iron Man is not in Avengers 2 (Pissing off the NAACP while at it).
But do you really need the critical acclaim anymore? You have Joss Whedon, who is only second to Christopher Nolan as the guy everybody today kisses ass to. Nobody will admit he's ever done something bad. Nobody will admit he's ever screwed up. And unlike Nolan, he never had to hide behind the 'smart guy' image.
Do you know how many people liked Iron Man 2? Hell, I LOVED Iron Man 2. It's probably the worst movie you made yet, it was a piece of shit trailer for the Avengers and I recognized that and still loved it. You will have your fanboys no matter what.

It was the best 30-second fight scene ever.
60 percent of my friends list is people who will eat any piece of shit you fling at them because they whore themselves out to anything comic book or video game related, because they like being called 'nerds' (No offense, you shallow shallow people). The kind of people who will walk out of Ghost Rider saying it was awesome until someone says 'No, dude. Look closer.' You will make money.

The Avengers has a 93% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, the second highest-ranked Marvel Studios film to date behind Iron Man. That's the movie you guys essentially said 'F* it' to story towards and yet it still made epic bank and got all the critics blowing it.

There's the people who will cry about how the movie is shitting on the source material. And they will be right, let's not pretend.

Let me give you the one movie of yours, Marvel, that remained completely accurate to the source material with like 3 percent change from the original comic source:

The only movie that could make more accurate to the source
is a Wolverine movie where Wolverine sucks.
Punisher: War Zone.

How much money did that make? Nope. Did anybody like it? Zero. That was the Punisher straight off the page, not a Thomas Jane crybaby. The Dark Knight trilogy is a series that removed mystical elements in the name of Nolan's realism and made a huge amount of bank.
Y'see, the comic book fans will always cry about something that's who they are.

You can't tell me this is a bad idea neither. Unless you're a racist who hates black people who's prejudice to Afro-Americans!

Yeah, you hate black people! You're the reason Childish Gambino never got to be Spider-Man!

With this, DC will call it quits - afraid (understandably) of being called hacks of Marvel in this world of (bullshit) originality - and remain in comic books until essentially Alan Moore goes insane like we always knew he would and burn down their headquarters in a vicious act of vengeance wearing the V costume (or the new 52 makes them lose money, whichever comes first). You will afterwards repair all the extraneous damage you have done to yourselves as a film company and be a singular empire in all of comic book movie history.

And I will be sitting here telling Robert Downey Jr., "I told you people would rather watch Don Cheadle as Iron Man than the raccoon guy from Guardians of the Galaxy."

Fuck, just give Rocket a cookie and he'll shut the fuck up.
Goddammit, I deserve that mountain of cocaine you movie executives award your proteges and I deserve it now.

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